I was 16 years old when I fell in love with you. Consequently you became the centre of my universe for 5 years, at least. I was a child. I was, as I still am, impressionable, naive, awkward, egotistical, impulsive, sensitive, self-absorbed, sentimental, jealous, obnoxious but generous and kind. I am all these things, more or less…
I know you can imagine and have witnessed the kind of silly behaviour that occurs when people are obsessively in love with someone else. It’s a shame for us, isn’t it? So painful to watch, so horrible and awkward to deal with, there must be a way to put us out of our misery?
As I mentioned to you in Café that day, you ruined me in more ways than one. You influenced me profoundly and helped to create the person I am today, good and bad, I believe that. I also think we are very similar people. Maybe you are a better person than I, more enlightened, at least that’s what I thought all these years.
I always feared writing this letter. You have received so many like it in your life and I was so scared that if I wrote one it would not impact in the same the others did or even impact on your life the way you have on mine. I wanted to become your biggest influence, your biggest inspiration, your hero.
I have lots of regrets and after being callously torn to shreds by you I realised these regrets really are a lot of people’s personal baggage, not just mine, baggage that needs to be dumped. When it comes to Aberdeen (pretty much the entire duration of my young adult life), my only regret now is that she feels the way she does; that I used her to get to you. The rest is meaningless. I will not think fondly of our relationships (me and she, you and I) – they no longer mean anything to me. The memories are ruined.
I have never acted with malice or intent, and to you I was a great friend. I was very good to you, in which ever form it took and for that I will not allow you to punish me. At Café you abused so badly my unconditional love for you that I don’t want to forgive you, but I have to.
I know how it feels to have harboured strong feelings for someone over many years. It’s painful and frustrating and damaging. Perhaps she will allow herself to heal and let go as I have.